I put out my story. It was my mental health story, where I talked about killing myself because I felt let down from my church council. Now I find myself telling a story, that I have been running away from. Do I want to continue to tell this story, or do I take it down? I like that people understand where I am at now but it is opening wounds. Wounds that are really hard to deal with. I also understand that I am putting something not to be taken lightly out there.

These people scorned me. Its a heavy story. I want them to get karma. It hurts me to tell it. I tried to kill myself because a system let me down. I have no faith, and as I tell it out loud, I realize that it is because of these people. Now people from that church are reappearing. I find myself, telling a story that hurts every time I think about it. I have been through heartbreaks before and this is just like one. There are layers to this. I gave everything to that church. I did everything from gardening, being pastors confidants, deacons, teaching. I did a little bit of everything and it felt like no one cared. Those that did, just asked more of me.

When my life fell apart, no one was there but the pastors. No one tried. One called me “soft.” Then they fired me. By that point, I was gone anyway but they showed no compassion at any turn. When I disappeared in November, no one even noticed. It was a relief when they fired me. The band aid was ripped off and the abandonment was complete.

I gave everything. I made sacrifices. I sacrificed friendships, job opportunities, and family obligations to be there for them. I am not even sure they knew. They definitely didn’t care. They just asked me to do more. I only got paid to teach. It was important for me to get paid to teach because I was sacrificing the one thing that I was there for: time with God on Sunday. I questioned how much these people believed in God or Christ despite this being the United Church of CHRIST in Simi Valley. I feel bad for judging. One person thanked me for “whatever it is you do here,” after I had a meeting voicing my concerns about feeling unappreciated. That comment itself, showed me that person didn’t listen to me.

Yet I kept coming back for more. Why? Why did I like these people? I thought that we shared the same values; but how can I share the same values of anyone that takes advantage of me?

Now these people want to reach out to me? Those that did, didn’t even watch my video blaming them. You are reaching out now? You don’t get to care when my life is crumbling. You weren’t there for me when I lost 6 pets, my life savings, my disability, insurance, and was hospitalized in a short span. You were the ones who called me “soft.” Who wouldn’t let me speak in prayers. Who were asking me to lead meetings. You made no effort. You just asked for more or called me names. You don’t get to care now that you are the ones who pushed me to trying to commit suicide for the first time in my life.

You had no reason to discuss me in any meeting in 2021, after you cut me from the budget. What did I do to make them gossip about me to begin with? I wanted none of you in my life after you turned your back on me when I lost everything in November. I thought that I had everyone blocked. I blocked your numbers, and emails. And if you did discuss me, it belonged in the minutes. Discussing me in 2021 is gossip. The pastor called to apologize that I was discussed. After I asked Greg for the minutes, and was told that I wasn’t in them; it got to me. That is gaslighting. I tried to kill myself because the place that I gave everything to broke my heart. I tried to kill myself because my church let me down. I gave everything to them, and they would rather crap on me when I was down. They would rather turn their back on me when I needed them the most.

Do I tell this story? It’s taking a toll on me telling it. However, it was taking a toll on me not telling it. Writing this gets my head in a dark depressive state. I am afraid that by posting this, that it invites more questions than answers. I can’t handle any more questions, as this is too much to write. But what does not writing this do. This is cathartic and it feels great to tell this story. This is heavy stuff for me. I love God. My heart wants to be a pastor still but I really lost faith because of these people. Just thinking about this, I still care so much about everything I did there that the loss hurts. From my LGBT work to the kids to some true friends to interfaith. My beef is with Council members and affiliates only here; not the pastors and those non committee members. I suppressed this for a reason and am not going after them for a reason; it will hurt me. It will make me physically sick and I am worried that it will push me to this headspace again. I am worried that just thinking of these people will do that; they hurt me this bad. When they reached out, I had to tell them to lose my number. It felt like my abusers reaching out. These people in that council meeting caused me so much hurt, that I allowed myself to hurt myself because they thought to gossip about me; well after I was done with them.

This isn’t a call for attention. I wanted to keep it private. I am embarrassed at how far these people pushed me. They pushed me away from something I care about so much. Something that I am passionate about. They robbed me of everything. I feel hopeless. This story is being written because I don’t want to have to repeat myself and tell it any more than I have to. I cannot say enough, how much it hurts to tell. Now, how will I react from writing this? This is what I am going through. The members of the place are reaching out. I want nothing to do with church council members. They pushed me this far. I want to reconnect with the friends from the place. How do I tell the story of people who are still friends with these people on council. I can’t hear anyone say anyone on council is a decent human being after they pushed me this far. Forget that, just telling this story hurts. ‘Hi, I am Daniel and I tried to kill myself in April because I felt let down from my former church.’ I still care about that place so deeply that it puts me in a dark place saying that to people I know from that place. I want to tell my story because I want to stay in touch with some of these people but I might have to ignore them for my sanity for the time being. The pain from the loss is too deep. I miss the place. I miss God. I miss that life. It fulfilled me. Virginia Christie, Greg Elliot, Carla Ritter, Susan Richter, Sean Baker, Leslie Kearney, Calvin Smith, and Anne Smith; you robbed me of that.

Megadont

Another day, another band member goes down. This time it is Megadeth bassist, David Ellefson. The allegations are all over the place, ranging from pedophilia to grooming to cheating on his wife. It appears that the Instagram account that made the accusations has been deleted.
It appears that Ellefson is a Lutheran pastor, or has been studying to be a pastor.

Personally, I don’t know what to make of this. It appears that the only concrete fact here is that Ellefson cheated on his wife. While, I don’t agree with that, he is an adult. Ellefson and frontman Dave Mustaine have had a hot and cold relationship over the years, so I don’t trust the band to have all the facts before removing Ellefson.

Chris Conley of Saves the Day gets #MeToo’ed

He was 12 and he confirmed it. I have seen Saves the Day at least 6 times; dang. This is why the band, Brand New have disappeared as well. https://lambgoat.com/…/Saves-The-Day-vocalist-accused…
Original allegations posted here: https://www.instagram.com/…/highlights/17875581431371917/

Edit: I apologize for misgendering the victim.

Conley’s statement is below. I wish he did more to hold himself accountable.

Tupac’s ‘Changes’ is the song we all need right now

In light of today’s verdict, Tupac’s ‘Changes’ found its way into my life today and I found myself in tears listening to the song.

Excerts of lyrics from
https://genius.com/2pac-changes-lyrics

I see no changes, wake up in the morning and I ask myself
Is life worth livin’? Should I blast myself?
I’m tired of bein’ poor and, even worse, I’m black
My stomach hurts so I’m lookin’ for a purse to snatch
Cops give a damn about a negro
Pull the trigger, kill a nigga, he’s a hero
We gotta start makin’ changes

Learn to see me as a brother instead of two distant strangers
And that’s how it’s supposed to be
How can the Devil take a brother if he’s close to me? Uh
I’d love to go back to when we played as kids
But things change, and that’s the way it is

I see no changes, all I see is racist faces
Misplaced hate makes disgrace to races
We under, I wonder what it takes to make this
One better place, let’s erase the wasted

We gotta make a change
It’s time for us as a people to start makin’ some changes


My Lenten Journey 2021

When you go on a journey with God, you find yourself going places that you never saw coming. My journey, this Lenten season, has certainly brought something unexpected.

Without giving away what I said in the video, I talk about a huge turning point in my life. I am in the process of making a decision in regards to my faith that will have major ramifications on my faith journey. What wasn’t said, was how right it feels. I made this decision in an effort to be stronger in my faith.

Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.